"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

"Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist."

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since."

"All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else."

"Sex is one f the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before."

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."