Thoughts/Fantasies

Question from a student at Michigan State University: hi i fantasize very frequently about having sex with this guy i have a crush on. I feel embarrassed about thinking about this. i bought lubrication and want to buy condoms even though i may not use them. i try to hide these feelings and im ashamed and so embarrassed. where do you suppose this feeling comes from? should i feel this way? Female, First Year

Dr. Caron's Answer: Most people have sexual fantasies. Some studies have shown that as many as 75% of us fantasize as a way of getting interested in sex or to add a little extra. The great thing about fantasy is that you are in control. So you have nothing to feel embarrassed about or guilty about. You also should feel good about you ability to plan ahead - in case something sexual were to happen. However, my question for you is: what do you want to do about this attraction? It sounds like you are interested in getting to know the person better - and pursuing something romantic. How do you intend on doing that? I think that is a question for you to pursue - and maybe come up with a real plan to let this person know you are attracted/interested in them. Attraction to another person is a complex phenomena, based on prior experiences, unconscious needs, and cultural heritage. Generally speaking, people who share similar interests are more likely to develop friendships. Consider what it is about this person that you find attractive. Are you attracted to this person because you know that you share similar interests, in which case you have a basis for conversation. Or, are you attracted to this person by some relatively superficial quality, such as looks or status, that gives you little insight into the real person. Think about it - best wishes!

Question from a student at Ball State: I have never had sex with someone of the same sex, but have often admired their bodies. Is this unusual?
Female, Sophomore

Answer: No, this is not unusual. All of us can admire human bodies (both male and female) with pleasure. A trip to an art museum demonstrates that the human body has great beauty. It would be sad if one could only see the beauty in only half the people.

Question from a student at Bowdoin College: I have been seeing a woman for 3-1/2 years. This was the first sexual relationship for both of us. We are both very much in love, but here's the problem: I think about relationships with other women, specifically these two other women I am friends with. I think of these other women everyday and everyday I feel guilty. It's driving me crazy. I often fantasize about having sex with these other women, and sometimes even when I am making love to my girlfriend. I feel very badly about this. I can't stand the idea of hurting my girlfriend. My feelings of guilt and confusion are effecting my concentration and I often become depressed. Help!
Male, Senior

Answer: It's not unusual for both men and women to have sexual fantasies about others when engaged in sex. That's not something to feel guilty about. Of greater concern is the sense of conflict which emerges from your letter. Because your girlfriend is your first love and such a significant relationship, it may be difficult for you to understand that other relationships may be even better. I would suggest that you take advantage of the nearest counseling center to talk over this problem to gain insight on yourself. I understand that you are confused and distressed by your sense of disloyalty and I believe you can much profit by talking these matters over with an experienced person.