Sex
Question of the Week
***Attention College Newspaper Editors***
Carry Dr. Caron's column in your school's newspaper. Student
newspapers may reprint Dr. Caron's weekly column provided
they include the following statement: Dr. Sandra L. Caron
is a professor of human sexuality at the University of Maine.
To submit a question to Dr. Caron or chat with your peers
visit www.CollegeSexTalk.com
Copyright Sandra L. Caron, 2008
******************************************************
Visit: http://www.collegesextalk.com/subscribe.html
To subscribe your newspaper today!
******************************************************
A student wants to know: I
recently engaged in a threesome with my roommate and his
girlfriend. It went great and I’ve continued engaging
in sex with both of them, but separately and without each
other knowing. Is it my place to tell them about the other
person? Either way, what should I do? Male, Junior
Dr. Caron’s Response: Who invited
you into the triangle? How did you come to be involved? Was
it an invitation by your roommate or his girlfriend? Somebody
has some responsibility for initiation of the plan/triangle.
I feel a discussion with the person who invited you in is
most appropriate – e.g. your roommate. Assuming your
relationship with your roommate is meaningful (you had that
relationship presumably before you got involved with his
girlfriend), this is the obvious place to begin.
While it
might be preferable that the original couple spoke to each
other, it does not seem likely at this point – but
it will very likely spill out later… for example,
down the road, when there is a disagreement between the couple,
you can bet one of them is going to pick up that rock and
throw it (so to speak). So it would be better to have it
out in the open now…….so you should say something
to the person who invited you into the triangle.
I do not
know what your experience was before, but walk carefully – because
their relationship existed before you. There is an element
of betrayal to the friendship. You are not responsible for
what the girlfriend decided to do (in terms of going ahead
on her own to see you alone); your roommate and his girlfriend
were both active participants – you went from a threesome
to twosomes.
It sounds like everyone in this threesome
is exploring – but the chances of feeling betrayed or
hurt are high….. your roommate may not like that you
have moved over to his girlfriend, and distressed that what
was a threesome has now become a twosome. There are a few
key points to keep in mind: 1. You have a friendship with
your roommate and you now have some sexual experience with
your roommate. 2. You now have a relationship with someone
who has had an intimate relationship with your roommate.
3. You did this behind people’s back. While it may
all be perfectly fine, the fact that this has gone on behind
people’s back increases the chances that this will
have a negative consequence. There is likely to be inner
thoughts such as: Was he better than I? Was she happier with
you than me? The girlfriend may decide she no longer likes
that you are with her boyfriend…… she may feel
sort of tossed around…… it is well to remember
that each of these people have feelings and could feel betrayed
or excluded from a relationship that was initially theirs.
Their version of a solution may be to go on with their relationship
and exclude you.
Tell the girlfriend you are going to talk
to the roommate, so she knows this is coming out. The conversation
with your roommate could go something like this: “I
have been sleeping with your girlfriend on the side, just
like I have been sleeping with you. I think it is important
to be open – because it should not be behind your back.” Each
of you has probably been having a hard time about keeping
the secret. In the open, you can deal with the angst, anger
or whatever…. rather than down the road.
There is
something to be learned here. Recognize that exploratory
behavior tends to be loose and short-term. Maybe out of this
will come a more long-term relationship and one that is long-lasting.
Usually long-term relationships are not exploratory – they
are commitments to another person.
Dr. Sandra L. Caron, Ph.D.
sandy@collegesextalk.com
www.collegesextalk.com
________________________
Dr. Sandra L. Caron is a professor of human sexuality at
the University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr. Caron
or chat with your peers visit www.CollegeSexTalk.com
Copyright Sandra L. Caron, 2008
________________________
Got a question for Dr. Caron?
Visit: http://www.collegesextalk.com/questions.htm and ask
away! Get a guaranteed personal and confidential response
to your question:
https://www.my-secure-site.com/collegesextalk/
Copyright 2008
College Sex Talk.com and Dr. Sandra L. Caron
All Rights Reserved
|
