A student from (university not identified) wants to know:
How should I react to meeting the guy that "date-raped" me three years ago? Should I hate him? Try to be civil? What should I do? It is upsetting to see him. Female, Senior
Dr. Caron's Answer:
I think you should do what feels right to you - be honest with yourself. Naturally, you have some very negative feelings. I would not encourage you to pretend that everything is just fine between the two of you. In fact, I would make it clear that things are NOT OKAY between you. I'm curious: Does he realize what he did to you and how it has affected you? Some women I have worked with in the past have found it helpful to write the guy a letter - spelling out exactly how the rape affected them. Also, have you ever talked to anyone about this? If not, I would recommend you call your local counseling center to meet with one of their staff or, if you prefer to be more anonymous, you could call your local Rape Response Service. Many women find it helpful to talk to someone who can offer support. It sounds like a very uncomfortable situation to be in. I'm sorry you have to deal with it at all.
student from (unknown/not identified) university wants
friend says she was raped and I honestly do not know
what to do to help her or where to turn for help -
to help me help her. She is not going to classes and
is very depressed.....she stays inside now all the
time and refuses to go out to parties or anywhere.
suggest contacting the Dean of Students, as well as the
public safety/police office, the campus health center,
and your campus counseling center. Each of these offices
can assist you in helping her. She needs to know her options....in
terms of who can help her legally, medically, emotionally.
Many universities now employ sexual assault counselors,
so I would also see if you have such a person or office
on your campus, or check out the local phone book for a
Rape Crisis Center in your community. Sexual assault is
a crime and while she needs legal assistance to understand
her rights, she also needs medical and emotional assistance.
Good for you for being her friend and wanting to help.
Believing her is a great first step. Listening, being
there, and being patient with her are all going to help. Let's
hope your campus is able to respond - they are obligated
to help her, but they need to know about this in order
to help her. She needs to notify someone within the
university system so that the situation can be dealt with
appropriately. You will be a big help to her by contacting
the various offices initially to see what she needs to
do and what will potentially happen at each place. Best
By the way:
What happens when a school does not respond well? Students
lose faith in the system, and people become outraged.
One example is a website developed by a mother of a student
who was sexually assaulted at UVA, http://www.uvavictimsofrape.com/. According to this mother,
the situation was not handled well by that university. Let's
hope your university responds better than what is described
on this website.
from a student at University of California...
does "NO" mean "YES."
means no, no way, negative, no thanks, not now; it never
means "Yes." If you are referring to a situation where
a woman says "no" to sex or sexual intimacy, yet seems
like she may be willing to go further, ask her. Many women
have grown up with the message that it's not okay to say "yes" to
sex - if she does express her interest in sex she's labeled
or seen as "easy." If you're not sure what your partner
wants, talk about it. You have to have her consent. It
is important to know that having sex with someone who
says "No" is against
from a student at Minnesota...
can a women say "NO" to a guy and convey to him that
she really means it?
simple "NO" will usually suffice. It is easier to say "No" before
you are both sexually aroused. It helps to be clear with
yourself first about what you are wanting and what your